hopemia (hopemia) wrote in fag_punk,

Who will love me?
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Final Fantasy 8
Pairings: Implied Seifer/Squall, Zell/Squall, Seifer/Squall/Zell, SEifer/Zell
Warnings: Yaoi, depression, exhibitionism, bondage, suicide, and lots of angst!
Not to mention it being kinda crappy. ...


Who will love me?

By: Hopemia

The cold wind seeps through the secret area and tousles my hair wildly.

I sit here all alone.

It's three in the morning and winter has found it's way to Balamb Garden.

I wonder what people would think if they could see "the Lion of Balamb" right now.

"Who will love me?"

I'm twenty-one, a world hero several times over, with looks that some people say are breathtaking *I don't see what's so special about my looks*, and I'm desperately lonely.

I've seen more than my share of pain and suffering.

I am the prince of ice and despair.

Loneliness and sorrow.

My heart has been locked away for years...

Locked since the last person broke it.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart is even there anymore or if it's finally been crushed to pieces.

"Who will love me?"

People want me to open up. They say I'm slowly wasting away.



You see... I've tried.

You know how a little child will be drawn to a flame and then touch it to only get burned?

I always get burned.

With every opening of my heart, my list of insecurities grow.

"Who will love me?"

You know I have a dream.

I've dreamed of it since I turned five.

I long..

I dream...

I thirst....

I long.... to think of being loved for Squall Leonhart.

The ice prince, Shiva's lover, Puberty boy.

That's all I am.

I wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to have unconditional love. I think that I would take it even if I didn't love that person back. I would treat them as best as I could.

In my teenage years I waited to understand love and love that person back before I pledged myself to them. I'm not so choosy anymore. I should have been happy that someone wanted to be near me at all.

"Who will love me?"

My mother?

I think she would've loved me..... unconditionally even. She died though. Not her fault. My fault. She died giving birth to me.

Ellone..... "my sis"?

No, she left me. She loves my father. She told me recently that if I couldn't start acting like a "normal" son to my "dad"..... she didn't want anything to do with me.


No, I'm afraid that my "dad" doesn't really care so much for me as he likes being the father of a world hero. You see... I remember now.... before he left me and sis with Matron. Kiros and Ward took care of me cause dad said I killed mom. If I hadn't been born he would still have Raine. He came back for Sis and left me.


She's too busy with her new kids now.


I'm his good solider. The world hero that came from his Garden.


She.... she left me. Said I wasn't good enough. I didn't take her out enough. I didn't buy her enough things.


Too busy. She loves Irvine. He doesn't love her.


He's a male slut. He wants me alright... until he's tired of me.


I thought she would love me. She said that she never really loved me. Her emotions were misplaced. I'm a little brother at best.


I regret not taking him up on his offer when I was nineteen. I can only say that I was scared. I didn't want to be hurt anymore after Rinoa got through with me. He's with someone else now. It's funny. I've realized that I love him... and I love the one he's with. I guess I always have. I just didn't.... understand. I'm no good at emotions. I forget what I want to say before I even say it.



I've always loved him.

All this time and the person I needed most was right before my eyes. Now he's with the only other person that I could love. My fault.... like it always is. I wonder what he would say if I ever told him.

'Get real, Squall, he'd laugh in your face.' I tell myself. Why would he want to love me anyway?

"Who will love me?"

Shiva speaks to me. She is a constant form of comfort. She loves me. Of that I am certain. If I didn't have her.... I'd go insane.

"I love you, Squall" her voice spreads through my mind and heart.

She covers me with icy layers to protect me from harm. She's done that for me many times. Like that time, when I was younger and was raped by one of the upperclassmen. She never abandons me. Unlike everyone else.

I wonder what I will feel when they take her and the others from me. They say that the GF's are dangerous. But, I say it's dangerous for me to live without their comfort. They said they will take them all from me tomorrow.

"Who will love me?"

I refuse to be without them. I will not be totally and completely alone.

I stare at Leonhart in my hands.

And I know.

I know.... I can't keep on living alone.



"Hey, Quissy!" the blonde material artist called to the older female while leaning on his boyfriend's chest.

"Have you seen Squall?" the blond instructor asked.

"No... isn't today the day they take his GF's." Zell responded in an understanding and interested tone.

"Yes and we can't find him..." "I'm really starting to get worried... you know how attached he is to all of them especially Shiva." Quistus sighed.

"Seifer and I will help ya!!"

"Yeah, we gotta get puberty boy to come into the real world. He looks like some kinda zombie." Seifer said with a smirk even though his eyes showed the worry and concern he tried to hide.

"Good." said the rather stern older female.

"Seifer... don't you think we should tell Squall how we feel about him? I mean... you know I love you and I know you love me but, isn't it time to tell him that we love him to?" Zell whispered to his taller lover as they followed Quistus through the Garden halls.

"No... Squall... he'd just blow us off Zell. I don't think either of us could handle that." The blonde gunblader said sadly.


It was near nightfall when the whole gang decided that Squall must be hiding in the secret area. They all decide to go there in case he put up a fight when his GF's were taken. But what they found changed all their lives forever and broke the hearts of the five young people who had spent their childhood in the presence of the beautiful but silent lion of Balamb Garden. But. it especially changed the life of the two blonde men who both loved the sultry brunette from the first time they laid eyes on him all those years ago....

All of Squall's GF's sat around the form of Shiva, who lovingly held Squall Leonhart's still form in her arms and by her side sat Griever, who touched the pale face of his beloved Master.

Squall's gun blade was buried deep within his stomach. Blood pooled beneath him reflecting the colors of the setting sun.

Shiva looked into the eyes of all the people Squall grew up with and said these final words before she faded away with the other GF's.

"All he wanted was for someone to love him. We, his GF's, we did love him with all our hearts. We all agreed that we would allow no one else to summon us but him. We will would allow no one else to claim us but him.. He had the most beautiful heart......it was just hidden." she said with icy tears streaming down her otherworldly face.

After saying this the GF's all faded from view. Leaving only the cold still form of a former hero of the world.

Who was never understood and who never understood others even though he wanted to so much.
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